Switch Hitter... So to Speak

Getting married at a church is sooooo out. The new thing, according to a couple from New York, is getting married in a shark tank. They donned their white and black wet suits (which I found very clever) and then they were lowered into the tank in a steel cage. Cool stuff. Breaking tradition. I wonder if they were married by the captain of a ship... That would be pretty clever too. Here's the full article.

Hello, and welcome to Ashes to Oranges. I don't have any stories or rants to make for a long intro today, so let's watch some videos and not listen to me drone on and on, saying more or less nothing, and certainly nothing of any importance. You know, when I basically say the same things and repeat myself, being redundant and saying the same stuff. Doesn't it piss you off when people do that? I know it pisses me off. Like this one time when this guy was just talking and talking and he was trying to tell a story, but he just kept repeating the details over and over...

I think I'm hilarious. Anyway, here's a How To video on how to drown.



I never knew drowning was so simple. All I have to do is surrender to the water. God, I don't know why I hadn't thought of that...

The Netherlands has been busy, it seems. The record for the World's Tallest Lego Tower was 98 feet and 4 inches, set by Munich, Germany. But the Netherlands is claiming their tower is nearly 100 feet. The full article is here.

We've all played Call of Duty's Nazi Zombies mini-game, I'm sure. But have you ever wondered, "Does the fact that they're Nazis make them any worse?" Collegehumor has the answer.



Craigslist, Wherefore Art Thou?

I don't want this to be like, a rip-off of Tosh.0, but I'm trying to encorporate more stuff into my posts. So here are a few Craigslist posts that made me smile. I'm posting a full description, but I've linked it too. Trust me, I'm not making this shit up.

Penis Measuring - Two guys are trying to find out who's penis is bigger, but they don't want to look at each other's penis. They've told their respective girlfriends to share the measurements with each other, but these guys are a little skeptical. What are they asking for? They need a girl to come and look at each penis and then tell them whose is bigger. For 50 bucks.

Beat It With a Real JO-Bro - Wow. I just... Wow. I can't... I can't put my reaction to this into words... First of all, the picture of him at the bottom... WTF? Then there's the fact that he keeps repeating that he's not gay... Who's he trying to convince? My money's on himself. I mean... If this is his biggest fantasy, then... Wow. And to advertise that with your name, location, and a picture of yourself... He's got balls, I'll say that. And apparently he wants more... Wow...

So I think that's enough. Because that last one kind of... I don't even know. So anyway, let's call it a day. Here's something to play us out. Enjoy.



~Christian

Airplanes and Water Balloons

Let me tell you all a little story. Last night was pretty cool for me. My friend, Kyle, and I went to a bar to see some bands play. The first thing that happened was that we couldn't find the damn place. We drove up and down the street for a good ten minutes before we found it. Then there was a $5 cover charge. Between the two of us we had $8. Which is to say that I had $8. The guy at the door said it would be fine. He marked our hands with X's (Because we can't drink. I asked if he wanted to see our IDs. "Don't ask, don't tell.") We had no money left, so we just asked the waitress for two waters. We waited about a half an hour before the first band went on, which is weird because we should've been ten minutes into their set when we got their. Kyle then realized he'd seen this band play before... And he said they were awful. After their set, which featured distorted guitar turned to 11, we concluded that they wouldn't sound so bad if they just turned down the volume. It was then that I realized we could get something to eat, because I had my Visa Debit Card. We ordered a pepperoni and steak pizza. It was delicious. Then a band called Eat Sugar started their set. They were really cool. They had an electric drum pad and two synthesizers, and they played this weird indie/electronica stuff. I talked to the singer after the show and he gave me a free CD. It was awesome. Then on the way home, we saw the Batmobile...

So that's my story. Fun night. I wanna do it again every weekend for the rest of the summer. Alright, I wanna plug something real quick and then we'll get into the videos and stuff (And I've got a really cool video for today). Me and my friend Stephen are trying to start a music festival called "Grungefest." I think you can guess what type of music this festival is geared toward. We need volunteers, donations, and support to make this a reality. Join our Facebook group. Let us know if you can do anything to help (ex. booking, venue, advertising, etc.)!

Here's our first video. I know I already bitched about the BP oil spill, and usually I let it go after I rant about it, but this was hilarous. It's the BP oil spill re-enacted... by cats.



Their new slogan: "You're not mad enough to not drive your car." Love it.

This next video isn't really a video. It's a song off B.o.B.'s first release called "Airplanes." It features Hayley Williams, and it's awesome.



I just realized that this is the version with Eminem too. The one with just Hayley is about a minute shorter. Both are great.

So I was on USAToday.com, and I saw a story from May 20th about a "mystery rodent" that scurried in front of the podium while President Obama was giving a speech. Why is this news?... Oh my God! A mouse is in the White house! Alert the media! White House authorities have assured the public that the mouse is not suspected of terrorism. Nonetheless, a mousehunt has ensued for questioning.

Well, that's all I've got for you today. So I'll leave you with this (I've been waiting to share this all day).



This is Ashes to Oranges. And you're welcome.

~Christian

Ranting in the Third Person

Lately, I've been logging on to MyLifeisAverage.com. It's a site where people share quirky stories and experiences they've had. Most of the stories on there are freaking hysterical. Like this one, for example:

"Today in math class, we were all doing our homework for review in class. I was playing Pokemon on my DS online, playing someone in the area. I got my ass kicked several times by the same person. My teacher then announces 'Someone in this school sucks at Pokemon'. I have never idolized a teacher more."

"I ordered pizza online from pizza hut. They had a 'Special Instructions' box, so for kicks I put in 'Arrange topping in shape of a dinosaur'. Instead they arranged 'NO' in vegetables. Touche' pizza hut."

That's awesome. But some of the other stories on there are, I believe, people trying to get attention. Allow me to elaborate:

"Today, one of the boys at my school asked me what kind of girl I am. My reply? 'The kind who get's sunburned from being outside blowing bubbles too long.' I have a date this Friday."

Let me start with what the guy in this story did wrong. What kind of question is "What kind of girl are you?" How do you answer that? "Ummm, I'm a white girl?..." Stupid fucking questions get stupid fucking answers, which brings us to the girl. She just wants to feel validated because she's a weirdo.

I hate people that do this kind of shit. They tell you all this bullshit about their life. Sometimes I want to yell "I don't care!" What's worse is when people bitch about their lives all the time. Sure, I complain a lot, but it's not about how much my life sucks. There's this one chick I know, and every time I see her, she's like "I don't have a boyfriend. I'm so depressed and suicidal. Why can't I get a boyfriend?" I want to look her right in the eye and say "Because you're a stupid whiny brat who needs to roll up her sleeves and get the fuck over it. Life ain't easy. And you ain't makin' it any better sitting around crying about this stupid shit all the time." I mean honestly, why would someone assume that because they don't have a boyfriend in high school that they're going to be alone for the rest of their life. It's fucking pathetic! So quit. Get over it... And stop telling me shit I don't care about...

Hello, and welcome to Ashes to Oranges. Haha. That was a long time coming, I think. I really needed to say all that. By the way, if you are one of those kinds of people I mentioned, don't tell me. Cuz I don't care. Just get over it, consider this a test.

Alright, here's a cool video. They took the cantina scene from thge original Star Wars and edited it to advertise the FIFA World Cup.



That's hilarious. "I don't like you either, fool." Oh, Snoop Dogg. Your antics are always funny, in this or anything other galaxy.

In the News

This first story comes to us from Wenatchee, Washington. A guy was arrested two days ago for a disorderly conduct charge. They strip-searched him and found nothing on his person. Later, however, the police found a plastic bag and duct tape in the toilet: signs of contraband havign been smuggled in rectally. Usually, an inmate will have smuggled in a small bag of drugs, or something along those lines. What did this inmate carry in? A cigarette lighter, rolling papers, a baggie of tobacco the size of a golf ball, a smaller baggie of marijuana, a 1-inch smoking pipe, a bottle of tattoo ink and eight tattoo needles. Holy shit. That was all up his ass in a plastic bag. The original article is here.

So, Russia. We knew they were a little... you know. But this is like, solid, undeniable proof. The mayor of a Russian town beat a 69-year-old woman who was too slow to open the door to his office on Tuesday. What the hell? He was arrested and charged with abuse of authority. Why couldn't he open his own damn door? You know what I do when someone doesn't open a door for me? Nothing. I open it myself. End of story. No need to go all Rambo on an old lady... Read the article here.

I'm about to head out, so I'll leave you with this. Enjoy.



~Christian

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

So, the first thing you should notice is the fact that you're hearing music. Probably The Stones, unless shuffle has started working. If you don't hear any music, it's probably because your speakers aren't working. So, I've got some cool stuff lined up (that's a lie, I'm making this up as I go), so let's get started, shall we?

I want to start with this "WTF?" video. It's apparently a Justin Bieber cover (that's what the title says, I have no idea), and it's by this little 7-year-old kid that wants to grow up to be a rapper. This is one of the worst things I've seen in I don't know how long. You've been warned.



... Yea. He sucks. He's a little white kid in a polo shirt pretending to be like, fuckin' Busta Rhymes or something. And he can't carry a tune. Can't hit a pitch... Actually, that sounds like me, only he's higher pitched... By the way, where does the term "shorty" come from? Anybody know? Cuz not all chicks are short. Like Amazons...

This next video... Well, I don't know what this driver was trying to accomplish... Maybe he was on acid? Thought he could fly? I like that the title of the video says he went "all General Lee."



Crazy, right? Maybe he was tired of waiting for his flight and thought he'd just fly himself... I don't know... I wish we could see the aftermath... Oh wait, we can! Isn't the internet wonderful?

This video took me a second to get. It's a Chik-fil-A video about cow tipping.



It's ironic, see? Speaking of Chik-fil-A, do you think there's a Chik-fil-B?...

Rant

Why the hell is it so hard for BP to fix their fucking leak? You'd think they'd have some kind of protocol for it, like a plan B or something... In case of oil spill, break the glass, anything! I heard President Obama say this was the largest oil spill in our history. No shit, Mr. President. That's because you all sat on your asses and did nothing for 40 days. He also said that there was a lot of aid coming to help clean it. Brilliant, wonderful! Where the is this clean-up crew?

... The Ghostbusters? You called the fucking Ghostbusters?... *Sigh* The technology to completely reverse the effects of this oil spill exist, and are available, but nobody wants to fucking pay for it. I heard a couple of guys talking on the radio about that ump that apologized to Galarraga, and they were like "I wish we could get an apology from a BP Exec." Well played, radio man. Well played. Fox News' Megyn Kelly had an interview with someone who said BP is now standing for "Barack's Problem." This is his Katrina. How well has he handled it? Not well, Mr. President. Not well.

Yea, you thought this was gonna be all fun and games, didn't you? Didn't realize we were going to talk politics. But fear not, my rant is over. As a side note, President Obama did not actually call in the Ghostbusters for help. It was for the sake of comedy. Alright, I'm tired. That rant took a lot out of me. So, I'll leave you with this pic.
















~Christian

Survey Says...

What's up everybody? So today is just gonna be the same old, same old: I'm gonna plug some stuff I think is cool, show you some funny videos, bitch about stuff, and tell you the weird news. You know, the usual. First up, stuff I think is cool.

So, lately, I've been playing emulators. "What the hell is an 'emulator'?" you ask? Well if you'd stop interrupting, I'll tell you. An emulator is a computer program that simulates a gaming console. Now, you can emulators for pretty much any console, from Atari to Playstation 3. Why is this so cool? Because I can sit here on my laptop and freaking play Legend of Zelda any time I want. It's tricky, and sometimes difficult to save; it's not perfect, but it's fun as hell. I played Lemmings for like a hlaf an hour last night. Let me show you some good places to go.

The Old Computer - The only really good emulator on this site is the NES emulator, but they have thousands of games for NES, SNES, Gameboy, Atari, the works. So if you're looking for games for your emulator, this is definitely the site for it.

Emulator Zone - This is the real place to go for your emulators. They've got access to all kinds of different systems, including the Visual Boy, an incredible Gameboy Advanace emulator.

Dope Roms - This is another great place to go for games. If you download the Visual Boy, the Gameboy games on this site work for it, the ones on The Old Computer don't. Other Gameboy emulators work with 7z files, though.

Let's see, more cool stuff. Oh! Ever heard of IMVU? Probably, considering their ads are freaking everywhere. If you have, you might be wondering why I'm plugging it. It's a 3D Chat network, and even though it's used mostly for people hooking up (or so I've been told) to play out little sexual fantasies with complete strangers, I've met some really interesting people on it. Plus, it's a fun way to pass the time. You can talk with people one-on-one (so to speak) or you can go to various user-created chat rooms. I really dig it. You might too.

The other thing I've been doing lately is writing a screenplay based on DJ MacHale's Pendragon series. I don't know if anyone has ever read any of these books, but I absolutely love them. There's 10 in all, so you all had better get started. People have approached DJ before about making movies, but he's always been kind of hesitant, because he doesn't want Hollywood to ruin them. This concern is also shared by fans, and thus thependragonmovie.com was born. And that is why I'm writing a screenplay. So far, I think I'm doing pretty well. Click that link if you wanna read it.

Now, let's watch some videos. This first one is... well, probably one of the coolest things I've seen on YouTube in a long time.



Pretty sweet, right? This next video is by the same guy. It's his ideal way to film an action scene (specifically, no shaky camera work to make up for a lack of decent stunts).



I really like that video. But I think this next video is going to be the highlight of post today. This is, by far, one of the most talented performers I've ever seen. Just watch.



You see what I mean? Frankly, the drumline isn't really that difficult, but the way he was playing it, it may as well have been a Dream Theater song. I mean, look at what he's doing with his drum sticks! To maintain that much energy while still keeping the beat... it's unprecedented!

Anyway, let's turn to the news. I wanna start by saying that Armando Galarraga was fucking robbed of that perfect game last night. Like, I don't follow any sport very much, but I saw that game. And that ump, Jim Joyce, fucking blew it. Jason Donald was out by a good four or five feet. Joyce apologized later, but while an ump admitting a mistake is rare, it doesn't change anything. That should've been the third perfect game this season (which in itself would be awesome, not to mention it would've been Galarraga's first perfect game). You can read more here.

But let's see some really weird news, though. Sound good?

In Adelaide, Australia, a couple were buying a trailer when it was stolen. They were in the trailer with a sales manager, and the thief jumped into the car and drove off, with them still inside. Apparently, he just did it for the rush, because he abandoned it a few streets over... Or maybe he just sucks at stealing cars... Read the article here.

Well, what say we call it a night. Some interesting stuff to mill over. Tomorrow's Friday, I'll have to think of something cool to start doing on Fridays. See ya then!

~Christian

100th Post

Well, I wish I had thought about this before, but this is my 100th post... I feel like we need to celebrate. Except I don't care that much. When we get to 500 we'll celebrate. So, I'm keeping my promise. Two days and still going strong. So, let's see what's happening in the world.

Weird News

So everyone remembers this video, right?



Well, Fritz Grobe and Stephen Voltz are doing another experiment: A vehicle propelled by Mentos and Coke. Probably not cost effective in the slightest, but it's cool factor should be enough for people to ignore that fact... You can read more about it here.

In Massachucetts, a woman ran a man over with her car. But that's not the weird part. Thge weird part is that his name is Lord Jesus Christ... They need to stop letting people change their names to shit like this. I mean, if I want to change my name to Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, somebody should be like "Umm... GTFO." But I digress. What I really want to know is what he said after she ran him over. I think it went one of two ways:

THUMP
Woman: Oh my Lord!
LJC: Yes, my child. But fear not, I have forgiven you through my blood.

or

THUMP
LJC: Fuck! What the hell, bitch?! Jesus H. Christ! Watch where you're fucking going next time, asshole!

Yea, that's probably pretty accurate. Read the full article here.

Has everyone heard about the sinkhole in Guatemala? That's some crazy shit, isn't it? Look at this thing.



It opened up just after the tropical storm Agatha hit. It swallowed a three-story building! At least one man was inside it. Several people are still missing. Holy crap. It's just a big black hole.

Videos to Make You Smile

This first video was featured on an episode of Tosh.0. I don't know what the hell it's about, but nonetheless, I freaking love it. It cracks me up every time.



This next video I think is part of a larger project called "High School Sucks: The Musical." But I'm not sure. In any case, it's a fairly accurate representation of high school. It's not some crappy little fairy tale--coughHighSchoolMusicalcough--like something else we've heard about.



It's high school, and it sucks. It sucks so much. I like the line about the emo kids cutting the grass. I'm not one for stereotypes, but that was funny.

Well, I'll see all of you tomorrow. I'll have all sorts of cool new stuff lined up. Later!

~Christian

Grand Re-Opening!!

June 1st. Felt it was a good place to start again. I haven't posted sicne March the fucking 17th... Wow. We're gonna get back to an "every day" thing like I planned in the beginning, alright? And I'm gonna start a new set-up Now let's get started. By the way, I'd first like to say congrats class of 2010. For most of us, it was a long run. For others, well, I don't know how the you graduated, but congrats on being some kind of magician... Also, I'm writing this from my brand new laptop! It's sweet--even though it's an Acer... Anyway...

Face Palm of the Week

So a week or two ago, I was looking at a Wiki list of albums coming out this year. As I scanned, a Miley Cyrus album caught my eye. Normally it wouldn't, but the title peaked my interest... "Can't Be Tamed." Great. I had to see some album art. Luckily, there was a picture of the cover.







See. You're interested now... Aren't you?






At this point, there was no escaping it: I had to watch the video for the lead single. And luckily for all of you, you get to watch it too.



I'm not an expert, but I'm fairly certain it took Britney Spears years longer to get to this point in her career. I'm not gonna lie, the song itself isn't horrible. The hook could use some work, but I'm just saying... So like it or leave it, people, Miley Cyrus the Disney girl is gone. Say hello to Miley Cyrus the sex symbol.

Let's jump to a different segment, one I call "Things I Actually Like." Today's spotlight is on comedian Myq Kaplan. See the thing that sets Myq apart from other comedians is the fact that he's actually intelligent. It's all wordplay, not just sex and fart jokes--coughDaneCookcough--it's actually well thought out. But let me show you, rather than tell you.









He does a lot of the same jokes when he does shows, but I still really like him. He's hysterical.

So anyway, itis time for the part of blogging I miss the most: sharing weird news stories. Let's see what going on in this twisted little world.

First up is quite possibly the oddest burglary I've come across. Other than the time that guy robbed a lady then came back later and asked her out on a date... Anyway, someone in Ohio had their wheelchair ramp stolen... I have a question: What the fuck do you need a 10-foot ramp for so badly that you'd steal one? They're probably skateboarders. Anyway, she's getting a new one for free, but seriously... Here's the article.

Anyone ever heard of a band called Alaska Alaska? Me neither. But it seems their drummer is quite the party animal. Nicholas Blossom was so drunk last Saturday that he fell off a third-floor balcony and landed on a metal spike fence... headfirst. Here's the weird thing: he survived. Imagine the anti-alcohol marketing this guy's gonna do... You know, after he's out of the ICU... Read the story here.

Good stuff. That's a pretty full entry. Expect more like this. Longer, better, stronger. And expect them more often. Until next time, good night, and good luck.

~Christian