Saint Paddy's Day! (AKA, The Excuse to Get Drunk During the Week)

In honor of this holiday, please enjoy the following Irish jokes!

The Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cussed her; "Where the fuck have you been all this time, you ingrate! Why didn't you write us; not even a fucking line to let us know how you were doing? Why didn't you call? You little tramp! Don't you know what you put your Mum through??!!"
The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff... Dad... I became a prostitute..."
"WHAT!!? Out of here, you shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family - I don't ever want to see you again!"
"OK, Dad - as you wish. I just came back to give Mom this luxury fur coat, title deeds to a ten bed-roomed mansion, plus a savings account certificate for £5 million. For my little brother, this gold Rolex, and for you, Daddy, the spanking new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside, plus a lifetime membership to the Country Club...(takes a breath)... an invitation for you all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the South of France, and...."
"Now, what was it you said you had become?"
Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff... A prostitute, Dad... Sniff, sniff."
"Oh! Be Jesus! - you scared me half to death, girl! I thought you said "a Protestant". Come here and give your old man a hug!"
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An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advise in reviving her husband's libido.
'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.
'Not a chance', she said. 'He won't even take an aspirin.'
'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra' It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.'
It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress. The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'
'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.
'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'
'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?'
'Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!'
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A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."
The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder.
"Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman. The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"
The Irishman replies, "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."
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What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control a wife? A murder suspect.

That's it folks, hope these made you smile!

~Christian