Nothing Like Slamming a Silver Bullet Into a Well-Greased Chamber... If You Know What I Mean

I'm sure everyone has seen this Internet Explorer commercial, but if you haven't here it is.



I was just thinking about it in a new light, and that light is this: Are you telling me that all I have to do to scam people out of their money is to just not do it on the internet? That's what I learned. Not that I should upgrade my browser, but that 1) People are idiots and will do anything for quick cash, and 2) We've become so used to internet scams that we've forgotten that real life scams exist... Unbelievable.

You know what else is unbelievable? It's getting to be where we can't do anything on our own property anymore. You remember like a year ago, when I posted that news video of the guy who was in his house naked, and some people sued him? Consider this story a sequel. There's a guy in western Pennsylvania who is being fine $600. For what, you ask? For keeping hundreds of bags of garbage on his property. The trash isn't on anyone else's property, only his. He says it's like fertilizer for the 350 kinds of medicinal herbs and vegetables he grows. At this point, you're saying "It's still garbage! It still reeks!" Nope. Cuz the bags are filled with leaves. Apparently, it keeps the soil insulated. I don't know, I don't grow anything. But it seems logical. It's like compost. And for you, Mr. Zeller, I say fuck the district judge. It's your property, do whatever the fuck you want on it. Anyone who complains can answer to me. And by "answer to," I mean "suck." And by "me," I mean "my dick." The article is here, if you want to read more.

Alright, let's see what comedian I'm into today... And the winner is: Jimmy Carr! Congrats, Jimmy! You've made it onto A2O. That's kind of like an achievement, only not at all like it... whatsoever... Anyway, let's see Jimmy do some stand-up.



Yea, he's like the one-liner king. Dimitri Martin is good at one-liners, too. I don't know, I think we'll call it a tie.

Well, computer's acting up. Think that's my cue. Checking up on some jobs tomorrow (wish me luck), and then it's off to Kentucky for the weekend... Which means we may not see another new post until Monday. But we'll see how it all plays out. Good night, everyone, and as always, you're welcome.



~Christian

Fuck Laptops, Wireless Internet, and the Whole Fuckin' World!

I just watched the premiere of "Louis" on FX. It was hilarious. What else could I expect from Louis C.K.?



More? I thought so.



Well, my computer is being a shithead. Doesn't want to load anything. So that will most likely be the last video. I don't want to put something up unless I know it's good, and I can't think of any good videos I've seen that I haven't put up here before... So, that's that. Let's turn to the news... Or not... Fuckin' computer... It's brand damn new, I don't see any reason it should run like a piece of shit. I can't download anything on it, which is probably the fault of the processor, which I guess gets burned out really fuckin' easily... You know what? I'll just see you tomorrow. Maybe by then it'll stop acting up.

Piece of shit.

~Christian

So Bleeding Boring

Just got back from a Dragons game (courtesy of Kyle). They won 15-10. It's weird because they had been down like, four or five runs before we got there, but the second we got there, the Dragons scored 8 in one inning. Yea, we're magic like that.

I liked that Geico thing I showed yesterday, so I found another one. It's the silence that makes it golden.



Oh, Abe. Sometimes, one has to lie...

Alright, I don't know what the hell the woman in this next video was thinking... But she's an idiot.



... Yea, that happened. People are just... Well, you know. They're stupid.

Okay, this video is funny, mostly cuz I just got back from a baseball game. But it's like a sport within a sport.



Haha! See, he was falling asleep and then his head falls back... Yea, you got it. That's funny as hell.

Okay, I think we're good. Be back tomorrow!



~Christian

Jackwagon

So I wanted to start my own online radio station, but apparently the only good one is Live365, and you have to pay for it... So needless to say, I'm not starting my own station... But if I did, it would rock.

Okay, here's a weird story. A woman falls out of a third story window and lands on a car. She bonuces off the hood. Then she walks into her neighbor's open garage, goes into the house and falls asleep... Other than some minor injuries, she was fine... I'd like to give you a reason for why this happen, like that she was drunk. But the article doesn't say she was drunk. Just one of life's mysteries...

Here's a show called "Tech Know," in which they review various gadgets and gizmos and whatnot. I don't care about what they're reviewing, this is just funny.



Kind of wish that the chick was the one researching, though. If you know what I mean... No? Okay.

I found another story similar to the one from earlier. A guy broke into someone's house and then fell asleep. That's probably a bad idea. Especially if you plan on getting away with breaking in... But I guess we can't all be criminal masterminds like me... Here's the article.

That's all I got. See you tomorrow!



~Christian

Raccoons: Friends or Foes?

Just got back from seeing Zane and Josh playing an acoustic gig. Little did I know it was not at the Artisan's Cafe, as Facebook had informed me. No. It was in the hookah lounge next door... Thanks for the heads up, Facebook. So it was a little different. But good, nonetheless.

Let's start with something really cool. This is a game called Avalanche. It looks really simple, but this game made four guys stop playing Modern Warfare 2 and stare intently into the computer screen, cheering for the little marshmallow guy. It's fun as hell. Try and beat my record: 518 ft. I don't know what the all-time high is, but it's probably some ridiculous number that no human or android could ever reach...

In the News

Raccoons are not to be trusted. Apparently, a single raccoon managed to knock out power to a section of downtown Memphis for five hours. Why? The motives are as of yet unclear, but police suspect this is the first in a series of outages staged to make us succumb to the demands of the raccoon army... The full article is here.

This next story is about a couple who will never be in the running for "Parents of the Year." So picture this: a 52-year-old man and his 30-year-old wife or girlfriend or something, have their 1-year-old and 4-year-old son in a stroller and are pushing them down the street at 1 AM. Did I mention the parents were drunk? And also that the kids were in the stroller next to cases of booze? And also a double-edged bayonet?... I didn't? Oh, well it's all true. And that's why they are arguably the worst parents ever. Here's the full article.

Time for the first video. Many people have seen zombie movies, but few know what to do in case of a zombie attack. Zombie Awareness Day has already passed, but it is still important to know how to stay alive when zombies come to eat your brain.



Well, I can't seem to find anymore cool videos tonight... So we'll end with this video of an iPhone 4 being shot by a .50 Cal.



You know, maybe if the iPhone had some useful apps, it wouldn't suck so much. But I'm tired of every fucker with an iPhone saying "Dude, check out my iGun, and my iLightsaber..." I got an idea, Apple: How about putting in a real gun. That way we can use our phone for self-defense... or to rob liquor stores... or to shoot Apple execs in the face... Or how about an app that puts out fires?
"Oh no, my stove is on fire!"
"Don't worry, I've got my iPhone with a built in fire extinguisher!"
"My hero!"
But no, it's all stupid fucking nonsense. And any fucker can upload an app. Cuz shit like that has worked in the past... Maybe that's the real problem. Maybe that's where all the stupid apps come from... But it was Apple's idea to allow for that in the first place...

~Christian

Un Chat Grand...

This is gonna sound kind of weird, but I really like Lady GaGa's new single, "Alejandro." I told you it was weird. Anyway, if you've never seen the original video, it's made a lot of people... let's say "uncomfortable." It's essentially a bunch of guys rubbing all over each other and stuff. I didn't feel real awkward watching it. I'm pretty open-minded. I did, however, feel awkward watching this video parody...



Yea, like I said: It's awkward...

Apparently, at a Kindergarten graduation ceremony (which are stupid, by the way) several parents were arrested for starting a physical fight... There were like, over 20 people invovled in this thing... While their 6-year-olds were commencing to first grade... I swear, some people, I just wanna take their little necks and... Anyway, some people just piss me off. I don't know what the fight was about, but one parent probably said something like "Your kid's stupid, they let him graduate?" At which point the other parent hit the first in the face, I don't know. But you can read the full article here.

This next video is from someone named Peter Chao. It's also like a mirror of what I think of the iPad, and all other Apple garbage.



That's it today. I'm leaving you with a French commercial. Enjoy.



In case you don't understand French, they're using orange soda as an aftershave here. Apparently, they use the same thing for deodorant and acne medicine as well... Weird... Oh yea, and there's a giant cat...

~Christian

"We're Almost Through the Month of June," Said the Sun to the Moon

Good thing she had password protection, something tells me he was carrying a virus...

What's up? Welcome to A2O. I'd like to start today with a with a little dissertation I've prepared...

"Why You Shouldn't Get Drunk and then Swim in the Ocean," a dissertation by Christian Yates

If you get really hammered, chances are, you're going to pass out. If you're just swimming along, you could pass out and drown. Or get eaten by sharks. If you're like this guy, however, and you're on a pool floaty... Well, then things get interesting. He floated a mile off shore. He very easily could've been lost forever. Or been eaten by sharks... So if you're gonna get wasted, please be responsible: Don't drink and swim.

Alright, here's an interesting video, which thoroughly proves that Apple should go fuck themselves. Apparently, if you hold the iPhone 4 the wrong way, you'll drop calls.



I hate Apple crap. Makes me mad that every MP3 player is referred to as an iPod. And the iPhone is just one useless app away from having its ass kicked by yours truly.

Now onto the shocking science fiction part of our show.

Tales From the Beyond!

Scotland has its share of oddities, such as the Loch Ness Monster and men wearing dresses, but it seems a new creature, the Horse Boy, has spawned from the dark, mysterious... um, suburb of Aberdeen?... Okay, so maybe Horse Boy isn't actually half-man, half-horse, but can you give me a reason why anyone would do this?














It's absolutely fascinating. Caught for the first time on camera by Google's Street View van.

Skeptics have said that you can see him putting on the mask when you back down the road... I don't know. Just one of life's unsolved mysteries. Although, I hope we hear more from Horse Boy in the future.

Well, that ought to wrap it up for today. Tune in tomorrow for more crazy stuff. Until then, here's the craziest thing I could find this week.



~Chrisitan

PADD: People Against Dogs Driving

In the News

Okay, I'm not against animal rights, but we have to draw the line somewhere. For example, I don't think that animals should have the right to operate a motor vehicle. Here's why: Animals cannot correctly control cars. They lack the neccessary opposible thumb, as well as the hand-eye coordination. A Florida dog, who began driving his owner's truck, ended up running his owner over. They cannot be trusted to drive. The article for that story is here.

MTV has a new show out called "Warren the Ape." It's a spin-off of FOX's "Greg the Bunny" which got cancelled a while back. Now, I know what you're thinking: "Christian, you hate MTV." True. But sometimes, there are diamonds in the rough. Take a look at this clip, you'll see why I love it.



Yea, pretty much the whole show is like that. It's just about a sex-addicted ape puppet who's trying to become a successful actor again. Quite funny, actually.

Here's a video with another fake ape. Only this one's not quite as smooth.



What I want to know is what part of his body hit the gate?... Look at the slow-motion at 0:17. His head misses the gate, then you can hear something hit it... But it looked like he was grabbing his head... I don't know, one of life's great mysteries, I suppose.

One more video, then it's adios. This video comes to us from FND Films, led by Aaron Fronk. It's all in Arabic, but don't worry: there are subtitles.



Well, that about does it. Only one thing left to do. Roll that beautiful bean footage.



It would've been better if it had been a Busch's baked beans commercial, but this video was way cooler.

~Christian

Cuz I'm Free... Free-Ballin'

I'm excited. I just found out today that my favorite superhero, Green Lantern, is getting a movie in 2011. My only thing is that Ryan Reynolds has been casted as Hal Jordan. Now, I like Ryan Reynolds. But he'd be better to play GL if they were making a Kyle Rayner movie. I don't know. I'm pretty sure I'll love it all the same. They haven't released a trailer yet, but I found a fan-made trailer on YouTube. Normally, I don't like fan-made stuff, but this absolutely blew me away.



If you didn't know better, you'd think it was the real thing.

You know I'm almost considering moving this blog to a weekly thing, and just having like, longer posts. One-a-day is much harder than you'd think... Anyway!

The Onion. A source of smiles and laughter for years. The Onion Sports Network has recently released a report about soccer officially announcing that it's gay. It's about time soccer came out of the closet.



I'm proud of soccer. It's not easy to admit something like that.

In the News

Okay, so I've heard of restaurants selling some pretty cazy menu items. But I think this one is my all-time favorite. A restaurant in Arizona is serving lion burgers. Real African lion meat. But the crazy thing is that people are protesting. They've been getting hate mail and even a bomb threat. God, I guess people just can't handle change... Seriously though, a bomb treat? Aren't environmentalists supposed to be peaceful people?... Anyway, the full article is here.

So, for a long time, I've heard that Utah is crazy. This solidifies it. A woman led police on a chase through two suburbs, after stealing two cars (one of which was a police cruiser). Naked. The whole time, butt-naked. And no, she wasn't high or drunk. She's just psychotic. She ran through sage brush naked. I think even a stoner would think twice about that. You can read that story here.

Thank God for mass media and msnbc.com and whatnot, right? Bringing us news we actually care about; news of the strange kind. So, that about does it for today. Hope you all had fun. I know I did. Stay cool, world. Stay cool.



~Christan

Holy Rusted Metal, Batman!

Amanda Bynes is retiring from acting. She's 24. Apparently, she just doesn't love it anymore, and feels it's pointless to do something you don't love. Good point. But what's really freakin' weird is the fact that she's made enough money already that she's able to retire. It's ridiculous. The article is here.

What's up? Happy Monday. I'm gonna start with a relatively old video (which for some reason I never put up here...) Don't let your mind take you where you think the song's going.



Yea, it's pretty hysterical.

Here's another pretty hardcore song: It's Maynard James Keenan (of Tool and A Perfect Circle) covering Queen's "Bohemian Rhapsody" at E3 2010! Could it be anymore awesome?!



Told you. That's about as much awesome you can put into 6 minutes.

By the way, I'm really excited about the iPhone 4. It's gonna be sweet, look at this commercial.



Yea, it's a spoof. You think I'd actually be excited abut an iPhone? Oh, gullible public, when will you learn?

Well, I'm thinking that'll wrap things up. More to come tomorrow. Over and out.

~Christian

Mary Had a Metal Lamb

I've decided to start collecting comics (I know, I sort of missed the bandwagon...) I don't care if they're not that popular anymore. Those who know me know that I don't exactly like whatever's popular. Not to say that I hate popular things. Anyway, as I was researching various comics, to see what the market for them looks like, I came across this: A Flash comic from 1959, the second issue to feature the Mirror Master, in excellent condition. The only problem is that it's 150 fucking dollars. I don't care about it that much... Especially when I can get the same damn issue for 99 cents, in slightly less prestine condition. People are crazy.

So today was Father's Day. I hope everybody wished their father a happy Father's Day, maybe go their dad a card, took him out to eat, something. Happy Father's Day to any fathers who are reading this blog.

Okay, now let's watch some videos, starting with this one, featuring dancing boobs!



... You didn't think the boobs were going to be naked, did you? When have I ever shown nudity on this blog?... Oh yea, like a week ago... Oh well.

This next video is classic in the sense that videos of stupid people getting hurt are always classic.



It's pretty wild. I thought the shark was dead until he bit the guy's finger... Wild. And stupid of the guy. The moral: Never put your hands in a shark's mouth, even if you think it's dead.

So, I heard about this yard sale. I don't know if anyone else has heard of Highway 127 or not, but in the first weekend of August, they have the world's longest yard sale: 675 miles... From the tip of Michigan all the way down to Alabama... And I want to go so bad. I'm hoping to find like, vinyl records and comics and stuff, but you can find pretty much anything there (from what I hear). I've heard that some places in like Tennessee and such will have whole pastures full of shit. Antiques and furniture and all kinds of weird stuff you've never seen before. To say the least, I'm pretty excited.

When was the last time taxes saved your life? For most of us, probably never, but for Earl Phillips, a phone call Saturday about his taxes saved his life. He was talking to the rep when he began having a heart attack (because she probably told him how much he was gonna have to pay). The stupid thing Earl here did was that he didn't want to tell the rep that he needed help. But she noticed he was having trouble breathing, so she sent the paramedics to his address. Good girl. Anyway, you can read that article here.

And I'm out. See you guys tomorrow. The video I'm using to play us out, by the way, was created by my brother. It's a metal version of Mary Had a Little Lamb. He played and recorded it himself, and also put together the slideshow for it. The only problem is, I can't just put the video here for some reason. So here's a link. Fuckin' Facebook.

~Christian

Wakka Wakka Wakka

Today was my last day in Georgia. I head back north tomorrow... at freakin' 6 AM... But you're not here to listen to me whine about my life. No, you're here to listen to me whine about other shit! So let's get started.

In the News

It's people like the guy in this story that make me hang me head in shame. Brandon Farmer, a 24-year-old moron from Ohio, got drunk and his buddies dared him to jump onto the back of a tractor-trailer... The semi then starts moving and the guy has o hold on for dear life. He calls 911, who eventually pull the truck over an ge the man off the back. Ufortunately, they weren't able to do anything about his stupidity... The full article is here.

Here's a pretty cool video. It's a techno style DJ... thing... I don't know what to call it. Someone took sound bytes from the original Toy Story and made this weird dance song.



See, pretty cool. Kinda catchy.

This next one is one of my new favorite videos of ever. It's all stop-motion, and it's awesome. The creator said it took over two weeks to do all of it.



Sweet right? Suck it, Tim Burton... Okay, maybe it's not Corpse Bride or Wallace and Grommit, but still. It's cool.

Alright, I'm done. Here's something cool to end on. See you next time.



~Christian

Toy Story 3 Was...

I just got back from watching Toy Story 3, and it was arguably the best Disney/Pixar movie, and quite possibly the best movie in the trilogy. The animation was flawless, it had action, suspense, a hint of romance. Don't spread it around, but it almost made me cry. Easily the best movie of 2010 (thus far). This is a really short review, I know, but it's because I can't accurately describe how awesome it was and because I have absolutely nothing bad to say about it. It was clever, funny, action-packed, and more intense than Die Hard. And you know how much I love Die Hard... I love Die Hard... Anyway, Toy Story 3: A++, 10/10, 5 stars, two thumbs up. It's worth whatever you have to pay to see it.

Okay, so I guess the Lakers won the NBA finals... I don't know when, I don't follow sports. What I do follow is crazy news. When you start a fucking riot because your favorite NBA team lost, you should be euthanized...



That's fucking ridiculous. They set a damn car on fire... Unbelievable.

... There's nothing to say about this next video except "What the hell?"...



Biggest mustache ever...

Alright, that's all I've got energy for today. I'll be back tomorrow.

Stuffy Stuff for Bettering... Stuff

So I've heard a lot of stories about stupid criminals. About criminals making messes and what-not. But it's always funny when a thief cleans up. This guy stole $300 worth of equipment from a scouting trailer, and left it cleaner than when he got there... The weird thing really is what he stole: toilet paper, paper towels, a First Aid kit... I think it was an inside job... Here's the full article.

So with the World Cup underway, it's time that us Americans start pretending we know shit about soccer. So here's a soccer video.



That was an awesome save. This video is fake, but they did an excellent job.

This one is a video that, if it hasn't already, is sure to go viral. Came out about a month ago. It's Kumo, the kung-fu bear!



God, as if bears weren't dangerous enough, now they've learned kung-fucking-fu! How could this be any worse?!



Dios mios, no!

Ever have something stolen that you thought you'd never see again? Never give up hope, because apparently, stolen things can still be recovered years later. This guy had his prized truck stolen in 1972. They recovered it on Tuesday. Unfortunately, no charges can be filed, but honestly, after 38 years, I wouldn't give a fuck, especially after getting it back. The full article can be read here.

Well, that's it or today. Here's an older video to play us out.



~Christian

Everybody Loves People Falling

Wanna hear a big fish story? This guy from Colorado is in a fishing tourney in Alaska. First, does everyone know what a halibut is? If you're too lazy to click the link, it's a fish that averages abou 25 pounds. Impressive. This guy in Alaska caught a fucking 337 pound halibut. Now, if you clicked the link, you'd know that the record is 470 pounds, but still. This is cool, right? Whatever, here's the article.

Welcome. Hopefully I'll show you some pretty cool stuff tonight. If not, well, there's always tomorrow. Let's get started. But before we do, I have an important announcement: I beat Daniel Tosh! I'm gonna sound like a total dork, but I wanted to put a video on this blog before Tosh.0 had it, and I finally did it! Remember that video of the wedding DJ slapping that chick's boobs around? Watch the new Tosh.0, they're just now playing it. I beat him by a couple days, anyway.

Anyway, let's watch some videos. This first video is a lot like a classic. Because it's a montage of people falling. And who doesn't like to watch people fall?



This next video you probably won't understand a word of (unless you're fluent in Korean), but fear not: there are sutitles! It's an speaking lesson for Korean people learning English.



Here's a story that will make you lose a little bit of faith in the world. So this lady takes a cab ride to the airport. The total comes to $33. She doesn't tip. First, you should always tip cabbies and waiters/waitresses, and this lady should've tipped. And all the cabbie asked for was 10%. But here's where things head south. The cabbie locked her in his cab for half an hour, demanding that she pay the tip. The tip would only be three fucking bucks... There's no sanity in this world... You can read the full article here.

Well, that's it for now. Hope everyone enjoyed it. Here's something cute.



~Christian

And God Said Unto the People: "What the Fuck?"

Face Palm of the Week/Jesus Does Not Approve

So I'm sure that over the 6 years that it's existed, we've all come to know the giant Jesus statue on I-75. Well, Jesus does not approve. Apparently, last night at like, 11, it was struck by lightning and it went up in flames. For six yars, I've said that Jesus would not want the quarter million it took to build it to be spent on something as stupid as a giant fucking statue, rather the money should've gone to some kind of charity. Apparently, God agrees with me. The fire damage is going to cost the church 3 times the amount it took to build the god-awful (see what I did there?) monstrosity, about $700,000.

Maybe the fuckers who decided to build it learned a lesson. And I think one look at this photo could make anyone see the evils of flaunting wealth. I know that every time I drive by it now, I'm just going to laugh.

I mean, why would anyone need a 62-foot Jesus? It's absolutely ridiculous...

And that's the Face Palm of the Week.

In the News

Alright, this first story is quite possibly the weirdest story I've ever read in the history of this blog. The first sentence made me so confused: "A German student created a traffic jam in Bavaria after making a rude gesture at a group of Hells Angels motorcycle gang members, hurling a puppy at them and then escaping on a stolen bulldozer." Yea, this shit happened. He caused a 3-mile long traffic jam, then drove away in his stolen bulldozer. Then he went home. That's the stupdest place you can go when the cops are looking for you... WTF? Here's the full article, but you can't make this shit up.

Okay, here's another weird one for you... in video form.

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

A goat... in the trunk. That's a new one.

Alright, let's watch some videos.



There's not a lot to say about that video, actually...

This one is a video from a guy who just wanted to make a parody video. This desire resulted in the police being called...



Yea, it's a hell of a crazy world out there. Anyway, that's it for now. I'll be back tomorrow. Have a good one.



~Christian

Straight, No Chaser

Sometimes, it's okay to call people fucking morons. Like when they try to drive a jet ski into the back of a van with no one in the driver's seat. How much thought process did that take? How many brain cells did that guy use?...

So I'm pretty excited about some movies that are coming out soon. The first of which is Toy Story 3, which comes out Friday. Regal Cinemas in the Mall of Georgia, however, is screening it on Thursday. Since I'm down in Georgia right now, I guess I'm lucky. I'll give a review of it after I see it. The other movie I really want to see is Knight and Day. I don't really know exactly what it's about, which is exciting. I don't really know what to expect. Here's the trailer.



I also really want to see The Last Airbender. Here are my only stipulations with it: 1) M. Night Shamylan is directing. Judging from his last movie, The Happening, he's probably not gonna do so hot. 2) If they're going to condense the entire series into a 2-hour movie, then it's definitely going to suck. Here's the trailer.



Alright, one last thing before I go.

Things I Actually Like

Zuma. It's some weird game where you're a frog and you shoot colored balls. It's... weird. But it's fun as hell. Here's a link to a site where you can play it. I don't know a whole lot about it, as far as where it comes from (because it seems like it has some sort of African or South American design) or who created it, but I know it's fucking addictive.

So that's it. I'll be back tomorrow with more cool stuff!

~Christian

Quite Hypnotic

This video is from Jimmy Kimmel Live. It's the latest segment of "This Week in Unnecessary Censorship."



Next up are a couple really funny videos from Funny or Die. The first one is about Ralph Macchio, the star of the original Karate Kid.

Wax On, F*ck Off with Ralph Macchio from Ralph Macchio

That was absolutely brilliant. But the humor isn't as obvious as this next one.

White Women's Workout - watch more funny videos

No diet or exercise program works like having a black man scare the shit out of you. I only I'd capitalized on this sooner...

There's not really any weird news today, it makes me mad... So here's another Funny or Die video!

He Said It First (Uncensored) - watch more funny videos

Haha, John McCunt. Classic. Well, that will wrap it up for today. I wish I could find more stuff, but I cunt... dammit...



~Christian

Frankie Say Relax

Welcome to Ashes to Oranges. This first video is a commercial, and I'm pretty sure it's supposed to be a slam on BP... But I'm not sure.



If it is a slam on BP, then well played. If not, then I don't get it.

Here's something that I've really been enoying on another installment of Things I Actually Like. So this guy designed an online video game for fun andithas since exploded and gone viral. The game is called "Super Mario Bros. Crossover" and in it, you can play through the entire Super Mario Bros. game as Mario, Mega Man, Link, and a few other familiar faces. It's really cool, I played it for like, an hour.

I read that Wendy's has been giving away CDs in their kids' meals. First of all, I love music, but if I'm a 5-year-old, I don't care about Donna Sommers and the Jackson 5. I want a freaking toy! But here's the thing: Wendy's had to pull one of the CDs they had in circulation because of "racy lyrics." What were these racy lyrics, you ask? I was expecting a swear word or maybe something, anything explicit. No. In Donna Sommers' "Last Dance," she says "so horny." People just freak out over nothing. Anything to start drama, I guess... You can read the full article from MSNBC here.

Alright, here's another sweet video, similar to the video I showed a few days ago with the drop of water on a hydrophobic surface.



... Sand is sweet. Too bad not all sand is like this... That would be awesome.

Alright, that's all I've got. Time to play us out. This is Ashes to Oranges. And you're welcome.



~Christian

I Can Feel It in the Air Tonight

Are you fat? Have you tried everything and still can't lose weight? Well, now there's hope! Just become te world's fattest person! A New Jersey woman has tried this proven system and has gotten the results she wanted! Seriously though. I guess this chick was just like, "Well,I can't lose the weight... Fuck it, I'll become the fattest bitch this world's ever seen!" Read the article here.

That's unhealthy, by the way. Do not try that at home. Welcome. Let's watch a video of a guy who thought he was tough...



That looked like a lot of weight. Honestly, I commend him for trying. There's no way in hell I could've done it. And apparently there's no way in hell he could either.

So apparently, in Mexico, soccer > religion. What makes me say this? Because they've dressed up little Nino Dios (a statue of Jesus as a child) in a soccer uniform. Click this link and look at the picture. He's got more balls around him than a kid at Neverland Ranch... Is it bad to make a joke about baby Jesus and Michael Jackson (may he burn in peace) in the same sentence?... Ah, I don't care.

Well, I'm tired so that's it for today. See you all tomorrow. Enjoy.



~Christian

Start With Boobs, End With Lasagna

A few weeks ago, Hayley William, lead singer of Paramore, found herself in a little bit of trouble. And by trouble, I mean nude pictures of her leaked and went viral. Her response? "WTF? I got hacked!" Clearly, she didn't want people to see that pic, which begs the question: Why the hell did you take it then? Aren't pictures meant to be looked at by someone? Here's a suggestion for everyone: Don't ever take pictures of yourself naked unless you want it all over the internet. That being said, here's a link to an uncensored photo. Honestly, Hayley, this was your fault. If you didn't want us to see them, you shouldn't have snapped a nice little pic.

Welcome to Ashes to Oranges. What's with these singers lately? First Katy Perry, now Hayley Williams.

Let's start with a video from a YouTube celebrity: Mystery Guitar Man.



Isn't...that... fucking... incredible... Yea, he's pretty much the most awesome weblebrity... I might have made up that word, I don't know.

In the News

So don't you hate it when this happens to you: You're stealing things out of cars and then selling them on the street and then you end up trying to sell it to the owner? Annoying, right? That's exactly what happened to this guy, and according to police, this is his 40th arrest... Wow. Burglary is a tough charge. Tougher when you add larceny.

You gotta love drunk people. Always laughing and falling down and touching us inappropriately even after we've begged them to stop... Well here's a new one: This drunk guy broke into a bank (wait for it) to sleep. He was charged for burglary, but he didn't steal anything. So it's really just a B&E. I think the charges are a little excessive, but whatever. Here's the link for the article.

Well, that's it for today. Here's a video to play us out.



~Christian

One Night at McKyle's...

Radiohead's Thom Yorke is predicting a collapse in the music industry, to which I say "No shit." But the thing of it is that he's saying it's gonna happen in the coming months. I suppose he's got a point. The music industry is just one big shit storm, a never-ending slew of horrible ideas (XCP, DRM, signing Brokencyde), and a lot of bands have started doing stuff that is just one big middle figner to the industry. Like Nine Inch Nails and Radiohead releasing free digital albums, Switchfoot dropping their label and releasing "Hello Hurricane" independently. So here's what I suggest: everyone should just have their own record label, and just say "Fuck you, Sony BMG and Universal and all the other fuckers that have kept artists from doing what they want for the past 50 years." Okay, so that's kind of a long thing to say, so maybe just "Fuck you" will suffice. Here's the full article.

This video is from an internet show called "Cute Things... Exploding." It's an art series... Designed to demonstrate how... awesome it is when cute things explode... Shut up and watch.



Yes! It's a minute-long stream of laughter. I nearly pissed myself laughing the first time I saw this.

Here's a video that went viral not too long ago. The OMG Cat!



My God... it's full of stars...

Now here's the OMG Cat exploding!



Yea, that was totally worth the space it took up.

This next video is incredibly pointless (more or less a waste of four minutes of my life...) But there is one redeemable quality: The song is just so damn catchy... What'd you think I was gonna say?...



I watched this video with Kyle... He seems to think the "beach chair" is a metaphor for her ass and the "palm tree" is a metaphor for her YAYbies (special thanks to Myq Kaplan). I reminded him that it's rap and they don't use metaphors... Cuz they suck.

Here's a post from Craigslist's Best of. It's pretty, um... well, different to say the least... It's from a girl to her porn-watching pig boyfriend. Enjoy.

So speaking of sex and stuff, Kyle decided it would be a good idea to show me this. Apparently, he doesn't know me at all. Because this makes me think bad things. It makes me want to do bad things. I have a pain building in my chest because of this fucking website. Thanks a fucking bunch Kyle... Anyway, there's soem pretty hot stuff on there, check it out.

That wraps it up for today. Join me tomorrow for more! Enjoy the closer.



~Christian

Why Can't We Be Friends? Why Can't We Be Friends?

Hi, and welcome to Ashes to Oranges. So today is Tuesday, and that means it's time for the Face Palm of the Week. This week's spotlight is on Helen Thomas. If you've never heard her name before, she's part of the White House Press Corps. Recently, she made this statement.



Now, I'm not going to be one of the people calling her a racist, anti-Semite. I just feel she's a little misguided and maybe a tad confused or uneducated on certain topics. You see, Judaism isn't native to Germany or Poland, so I don't understand why she would send them there, as their "home." In fact, Judaism started in the Middle East, in places like Palestine (Call it whatever you want, honestly. If you like Israel, call it that. I find Palenstine a little easier to spell, personally).

Does she realize that almost all of the Jewish people in Israel were born there, or have at least spent the vast majority of their life there? Germany isn't home to those people.

In the words of Rodney King, "Why can't we all just get along?" Why can't Jews and Muslims live together in Israel/Palestine?

Do I agree with what Helen Thomas said? Absolutely not. But she has just as many rights as the rest of us. She shouldn't have been fired (or forced to resign) for speaking her mind. So face palms all around. There's a time and a place, Helen. But sorry you lost your job.

Let's move on.

Things I Actually Like

This is a video from my favorite YouTube show, "Is It a Good Ideas to Microwave This?" In this episode: Ping Pong Balls! Trust me, this is awesome.



They're like tiny orange magicians! Awesome.

This is another really cool one. It's a mercury light bulb.



... Where the hell can I buy a giant mercury light bulb? I need one.

Finally, we have them microwaving a PS3.



In the News

So a man is hiking with his girlfriend... during a thunderstorm. Bad idea number one. Unbeknownst to his girlfriend, the guy plans to propose. Bad idea number two. Lightning struck the mountain they were hiking three times. The third struck the couple. He suffered from third degree burns. She was killed. Now, I know I shouldn't make a joke, but what are the odds that this guy's ever gonna see this, right? Somebody up there knew that this guy was making a big mistake and decided to help him out. But apparently whoever decided to help made a poor judgment call... Here's the full article.

Oh my God, this one's creepy. African worms... in your eyes. Yep, new fear. Makes my eyes itch just thinking about it. There's some weird stuff out there, people. If eyes creep you out, I wouldn't recommend clicking this link. It's not that gross, just creepy...

Thast's it for today! I'll see all of you tomorrow for more stuff. Until then, here's an epic face palm from Naked Gun 33 1/3.



~Christian

Switch Hitter... So to Speak

Getting married at a church is sooooo out. The new thing, according to a couple from New York, is getting married in a shark tank. They donned their white and black wet suits (which I found very clever) and then they were lowered into the tank in a steel cage. Cool stuff. Breaking tradition. I wonder if they were married by the captain of a ship... That would be pretty clever too. Here's the full article.

Hello, and welcome to Ashes to Oranges. I don't have any stories or rants to make for a long intro today, so let's watch some videos and not listen to me drone on and on, saying more or less nothing, and certainly nothing of any importance. You know, when I basically say the same things and repeat myself, being redundant and saying the same stuff. Doesn't it piss you off when people do that? I know it pisses me off. Like this one time when this guy was just talking and talking and he was trying to tell a story, but he just kept repeating the details over and over...

I think I'm hilarious. Anyway, here's a How To video on how to drown.



I never knew drowning was so simple. All I have to do is surrender to the water. God, I don't know why I hadn't thought of that...

The Netherlands has been busy, it seems. The record for the World's Tallest Lego Tower was 98 feet and 4 inches, set by Munich, Germany. But the Netherlands is claiming their tower is nearly 100 feet. The full article is here.

We've all played Call of Duty's Nazi Zombies mini-game, I'm sure. But have you ever wondered, "Does the fact that they're Nazis make them any worse?" Collegehumor has the answer.



Craigslist, Wherefore Art Thou?

I don't want this to be like, a rip-off of Tosh.0, but I'm trying to encorporate more stuff into my posts. So here are a few Craigslist posts that made me smile. I'm posting a full description, but I've linked it too. Trust me, I'm not making this shit up.

Penis Measuring - Two guys are trying to find out who's penis is bigger, but they don't want to look at each other's penis. They've told their respective girlfriends to share the measurements with each other, but these guys are a little skeptical. What are they asking for? They need a girl to come and look at each penis and then tell them whose is bigger. For 50 bucks.

Beat It With a Real JO-Bro - Wow. I just... Wow. I can't... I can't put my reaction to this into words... First of all, the picture of him at the bottom... WTF? Then there's the fact that he keeps repeating that he's not gay... Who's he trying to convince? My money's on himself. I mean... If this is his biggest fantasy, then... Wow. And to advertise that with your name, location, and a picture of yourself... He's got balls, I'll say that. And apparently he wants more... Wow...

So I think that's enough. Because that last one kind of... I don't even know. So anyway, let's call it a day. Here's something to play us out. Enjoy.



~Christian

Airplanes and Water Balloons

Let me tell you all a little story. Last night was pretty cool for me. My friend, Kyle, and I went to a bar to see some bands play. The first thing that happened was that we couldn't find the damn place. We drove up and down the street for a good ten minutes before we found it. Then there was a $5 cover charge. Between the two of us we had $8. Which is to say that I had $8. The guy at the door said it would be fine. He marked our hands with X's (Because we can't drink. I asked if he wanted to see our IDs. "Don't ask, don't tell.") We had no money left, so we just asked the waitress for two waters. We waited about a half an hour before the first band went on, which is weird because we should've been ten minutes into their set when we got their. Kyle then realized he'd seen this band play before... And he said they were awful. After their set, which featured distorted guitar turned to 11, we concluded that they wouldn't sound so bad if they just turned down the volume. It was then that I realized we could get something to eat, because I had my Visa Debit Card. We ordered a pepperoni and steak pizza. It was delicious. Then a band called Eat Sugar started their set. They were really cool. They had an electric drum pad and two synthesizers, and they played this weird indie/electronica stuff. I talked to the singer after the show and he gave me a free CD. It was awesome. Then on the way home, we saw the Batmobile...

So that's my story. Fun night. I wanna do it again every weekend for the rest of the summer. Alright, I wanna plug something real quick and then we'll get into the videos and stuff (And I've got a really cool video for today). Me and my friend Stephen are trying to start a music festival called "Grungefest." I think you can guess what type of music this festival is geared toward. We need volunteers, donations, and support to make this a reality. Join our Facebook group. Let us know if you can do anything to help (ex. booking, venue, advertising, etc.)!

Here's our first video. I know I already bitched about the BP oil spill, and usually I let it go after I rant about it, but this was hilarous. It's the BP oil spill re-enacted... by cats.



Their new slogan: "You're not mad enough to not drive your car." Love it.

This next video isn't really a video. It's a song off B.o.B.'s first release called "Airplanes." It features Hayley Williams, and it's awesome.



I just realized that this is the version with Eminem too. The one with just Hayley is about a minute shorter. Both are great.

So I was on USAToday.com, and I saw a story from May 20th about a "mystery rodent" that scurried in front of the podium while President Obama was giving a speech. Why is this news?... Oh my God! A mouse is in the White house! Alert the media! White House authorities have assured the public that the mouse is not suspected of terrorism. Nonetheless, a mousehunt has ensued for questioning.

Well, that's all I've got for you today. So I'll leave you with this (I've been waiting to share this all day).



This is Ashes to Oranges. And you're welcome.

~Christian

Ranting in the Third Person

Lately, I've been logging on to MyLifeisAverage.com. It's a site where people share quirky stories and experiences they've had. Most of the stories on there are freaking hysterical. Like this one, for example:

"Today in math class, we were all doing our homework for review in class. I was playing Pokemon on my DS online, playing someone in the area. I got my ass kicked several times by the same person. My teacher then announces 'Someone in this school sucks at Pokemon'. I have never idolized a teacher more."

"I ordered pizza online from pizza hut. They had a 'Special Instructions' box, so for kicks I put in 'Arrange topping in shape of a dinosaur'. Instead they arranged 'NO' in vegetables. Touche' pizza hut."

That's awesome. But some of the other stories on there are, I believe, people trying to get attention. Allow me to elaborate:

"Today, one of the boys at my school asked me what kind of girl I am. My reply? 'The kind who get's sunburned from being outside blowing bubbles too long.' I have a date this Friday."

Let me start with what the guy in this story did wrong. What kind of question is "What kind of girl are you?" How do you answer that? "Ummm, I'm a white girl?..." Stupid fucking questions get stupid fucking answers, which brings us to the girl. She just wants to feel validated because she's a weirdo.

I hate people that do this kind of shit. They tell you all this bullshit about their life. Sometimes I want to yell "I don't care!" What's worse is when people bitch about their lives all the time. Sure, I complain a lot, but it's not about how much my life sucks. There's this one chick I know, and every time I see her, she's like "I don't have a boyfriend. I'm so depressed and suicidal. Why can't I get a boyfriend?" I want to look her right in the eye and say "Because you're a stupid whiny brat who needs to roll up her sleeves and get the fuck over it. Life ain't easy. And you ain't makin' it any better sitting around crying about this stupid shit all the time." I mean honestly, why would someone assume that because they don't have a boyfriend in high school that they're going to be alone for the rest of their life. It's fucking pathetic! So quit. Get over it... And stop telling me shit I don't care about...

Hello, and welcome to Ashes to Oranges. Haha. That was a long time coming, I think. I really needed to say all that. By the way, if you are one of those kinds of people I mentioned, don't tell me. Cuz I don't care. Just get over it, consider this a test.

Alright, here's a cool video. They took the cantina scene from thge original Star Wars and edited it to advertise the FIFA World Cup.



That's hilarious. "I don't like you either, fool." Oh, Snoop Dogg. Your antics are always funny, in this or anything other galaxy.

In the News

This first story comes to us from Wenatchee, Washington. A guy was arrested two days ago for a disorderly conduct charge. They strip-searched him and found nothing on his person. Later, however, the police found a plastic bag and duct tape in the toilet: signs of contraband havign been smuggled in rectally. Usually, an inmate will have smuggled in a small bag of drugs, or something along those lines. What did this inmate carry in? A cigarette lighter, rolling papers, a baggie of tobacco the size of a golf ball, a smaller baggie of marijuana, a 1-inch smoking pipe, a bottle of tattoo ink and eight tattoo needles. Holy shit. That was all up his ass in a plastic bag. The original article is here.

So, Russia. We knew they were a little... you know. But this is like, solid, undeniable proof. The mayor of a Russian town beat a 69-year-old woman who was too slow to open the door to his office on Tuesday. What the hell? He was arrested and charged with abuse of authority. Why couldn't he open his own damn door? You know what I do when someone doesn't open a door for me? Nothing. I open it myself. End of story. No need to go all Rambo on an old lady... Read the article here.

I'm about to head out, so I'll leave you with this. Enjoy.



~Christian