Start With Boobs, End With Lasagna

A few weeks ago, Hayley William, lead singer of Paramore, found herself in a little bit of trouble. And by trouble, I mean nude pictures of her leaked and went viral. Her response? "WTF? I got hacked!" Clearly, she didn't want people to see that pic, which begs the question: Why the hell did you take it then? Aren't pictures meant to be looked at by someone? Here's a suggestion for everyone: Don't ever take pictures of yourself naked unless you want it all over the internet. That being said, here's a link to an uncensored photo. Honestly, Hayley, this was your fault. If you didn't want us to see them, you shouldn't have snapped a nice little pic.

Welcome to Ashes to Oranges. What's with these singers lately? First Katy Perry, now Hayley Williams.

Let's start with a video from a YouTube celebrity: Mystery Guitar Man.



Isn't...that... fucking... incredible... Yea, he's pretty much the most awesome weblebrity... I might have made up that word, I don't know.

In the News

So don't you hate it when this happens to you: You're stealing things out of cars and then selling them on the street and then you end up trying to sell it to the owner? Annoying, right? That's exactly what happened to this guy, and according to police, this is his 40th arrest... Wow. Burglary is a tough charge. Tougher when you add larceny.

You gotta love drunk people. Always laughing and falling down and touching us inappropriately even after we've begged them to stop... Well here's a new one: This drunk guy broke into a bank (wait for it) to sleep. He was charged for burglary, but he didn't steal anything. So it's really just a B&E. I think the charges are a little excessive, but whatever. Here's the link for the article.

Well, that's it for today. Here's a video to play us out.



~Christian

One Night at McKyle's...

Radiohead's Thom Yorke is predicting a collapse in the music industry, to which I say "No shit." But the thing of it is that he's saying it's gonna happen in the coming months. I suppose he's got a point. The music industry is just one big shit storm, a never-ending slew of horrible ideas (XCP, DRM, signing Brokencyde), and a lot of bands have started doing stuff that is just one big middle figner to the industry. Like Nine Inch Nails and Radiohead releasing free digital albums, Switchfoot dropping their label and releasing "Hello Hurricane" independently. So here's what I suggest: everyone should just have their own record label, and just say "Fuck you, Sony BMG and Universal and all the other fuckers that have kept artists from doing what they want for the past 50 years." Okay, so that's kind of a long thing to say, so maybe just "Fuck you" will suffice. Here's the full article.

This video is from an internet show called "Cute Things... Exploding." It's an art series... Designed to demonstrate how... awesome it is when cute things explode... Shut up and watch.



Yes! It's a minute-long stream of laughter. I nearly pissed myself laughing the first time I saw this.

Here's a video that went viral not too long ago. The OMG Cat!



My God... it's full of stars...

Now here's the OMG Cat exploding!



Yea, that was totally worth the space it took up.

This next video is incredibly pointless (more or less a waste of four minutes of my life...) But there is one redeemable quality: The song is just so damn catchy... What'd you think I was gonna say?...



I watched this video with Kyle... He seems to think the "beach chair" is a metaphor for her ass and the "palm tree" is a metaphor for her YAYbies (special thanks to Myq Kaplan). I reminded him that it's rap and they don't use metaphors... Cuz they suck.

Here's a post from Craigslist's Best of. It's pretty, um... well, different to say the least... It's from a girl to her porn-watching pig boyfriend. Enjoy.

So speaking of sex and stuff, Kyle decided it would be a good idea to show me this. Apparently, he doesn't know me at all. Because this makes me think bad things. It makes me want to do bad things. I have a pain building in my chest because of this fucking website. Thanks a fucking bunch Kyle... Anyway, there's soem pretty hot stuff on there, check it out.

That wraps it up for today. Join me tomorrow for more! Enjoy the closer.



~Christian

Why Can't We Be Friends? Why Can't We Be Friends?

Hi, and welcome to Ashes to Oranges. So today is Tuesday, and that means it's time for the Face Palm of the Week. This week's spotlight is on Helen Thomas. If you've never heard her name before, she's part of the White House Press Corps. Recently, she made this statement.



Now, I'm not going to be one of the people calling her a racist, anti-Semite. I just feel she's a little misguided and maybe a tad confused or uneducated on certain topics. You see, Judaism isn't native to Germany or Poland, so I don't understand why she would send them there, as their "home." In fact, Judaism started in the Middle East, in places like Palestine (Call it whatever you want, honestly. If you like Israel, call it that. I find Palenstine a little easier to spell, personally).

Does she realize that almost all of the Jewish people in Israel were born there, or have at least spent the vast majority of their life there? Germany isn't home to those people.

In the words of Rodney King, "Why can't we all just get along?" Why can't Jews and Muslims live together in Israel/Palestine?

Do I agree with what Helen Thomas said? Absolutely not. But she has just as many rights as the rest of us. She shouldn't have been fired (or forced to resign) for speaking her mind. So face palms all around. There's a time and a place, Helen. But sorry you lost your job.

Let's move on.

Things I Actually Like

This is a video from my favorite YouTube show, "Is It a Good Ideas to Microwave This?" In this episode: Ping Pong Balls! Trust me, this is awesome.



They're like tiny orange magicians! Awesome.

This is another really cool one. It's a mercury light bulb.



... Where the hell can I buy a giant mercury light bulb? I need one.

Finally, we have them microwaving a PS3.



In the News

So a man is hiking with his girlfriend... during a thunderstorm. Bad idea number one. Unbeknownst to his girlfriend, the guy plans to propose. Bad idea number two. Lightning struck the mountain they were hiking three times. The third struck the couple. He suffered from third degree burns. She was killed. Now, I know I shouldn't make a joke, but what are the odds that this guy's ever gonna see this, right? Somebody up there knew that this guy was making a big mistake and decided to help him out. But apparently whoever decided to help made a poor judgment call... Here's the full article.

Oh my God, this one's creepy. African worms... in your eyes. Yep, new fear. Makes my eyes itch just thinking about it. There's some weird stuff out there, people. If eyes creep you out, I wouldn't recommend clicking this link. It's not that gross, just creepy...

Thast's it for today! I'll see all of you tomorrow for more stuff. Until then, here's an epic face palm from Naked Gun 33 1/3.



~Christian

Switch Hitter... So to Speak

Getting married at a church is sooooo out. The new thing, according to a couple from New York, is getting married in a shark tank. They donned their white and black wet suits (which I found very clever) and then they were lowered into the tank in a steel cage. Cool stuff. Breaking tradition. I wonder if they were married by the captain of a ship... That would be pretty clever too. Here's the full article.

Hello, and welcome to Ashes to Oranges. I don't have any stories or rants to make for a long intro today, so let's watch some videos and not listen to me drone on and on, saying more or less nothing, and certainly nothing of any importance. You know, when I basically say the same things and repeat myself, being redundant and saying the same stuff. Doesn't it piss you off when people do that? I know it pisses me off. Like this one time when this guy was just talking and talking and he was trying to tell a story, but he just kept repeating the details over and over...

I think I'm hilarious. Anyway, here's a How To video on how to drown.



I never knew drowning was so simple. All I have to do is surrender to the water. God, I don't know why I hadn't thought of that...

The Netherlands has been busy, it seems. The record for the World's Tallest Lego Tower was 98 feet and 4 inches, set by Munich, Germany. But the Netherlands is claiming their tower is nearly 100 feet. The full article is here.

We've all played Call of Duty's Nazi Zombies mini-game, I'm sure. But have you ever wondered, "Does the fact that they're Nazis make them any worse?" Collegehumor has the answer.



Craigslist, Wherefore Art Thou?

I don't want this to be like, a rip-off of Tosh.0, but I'm trying to encorporate more stuff into my posts. So here are a few Craigslist posts that made me smile. I'm posting a full description, but I've linked it too. Trust me, I'm not making this shit up.

Penis Measuring - Two guys are trying to find out who's penis is bigger, but they don't want to look at each other's penis. They've told their respective girlfriends to share the measurements with each other, but these guys are a little skeptical. What are they asking for? They need a girl to come and look at each penis and then tell them whose is bigger. For 50 bucks.

Beat It With a Real JO-Bro - Wow. I just... Wow. I can't... I can't put my reaction to this into words... First of all, the picture of him at the bottom... WTF? Then there's the fact that he keeps repeating that he's not gay... Who's he trying to convince? My money's on himself. I mean... If this is his biggest fantasy, then... Wow. And to advertise that with your name, location, and a picture of yourself... He's got balls, I'll say that. And apparently he wants more... Wow...

So I think that's enough. Because that last one kind of... I don't even know. So anyway, let's call it a day. Here's something to play us out. Enjoy.



~Christian

Airplanes and Water Balloons

Let me tell you all a little story. Last night was pretty cool for me. My friend, Kyle, and I went to a bar to see some bands play. The first thing that happened was that we couldn't find the damn place. We drove up and down the street for a good ten minutes before we found it. Then there was a $5 cover charge. Between the two of us we had $8. Which is to say that I had $8. The guy at the door said it would be fine. He marked our hands with X's (Because we can't drink. I asked if he wanted to see our IDs. "Don't ask, don't tell.") We had no money left, so we just asked the waitress for two waters. We waited about a half an hour before the first band went on, which is weird because we should've been ten minutes into their set when we got their. Kyle then realized he'd seen this band play before... And he said they were awful. After their set, which featured distorted guitar turned to 11, we concluded that they wouldn't sound so bad if they just turned down the volume. It was then that I realized we could get something to eat, because I had my Visa Debit Card. We ordered a pepperoni and steak pizza. It was delicious. Then a band called Eat Sugar started their set. They were really cool. They had an electric drum pad and two synthesizers, and they played this weird indie/electronica stuff. I talked to the singer after the show and he gave me a free CD. It was awesome. Then on the way home, we saw the Batmobile...

So that's my story. Fun night. I wanna do it again every weekend for the rest of the summer. Alright, I wanna plug something real quick and then we'll get into the videos and stuff (And I've got a really cool video for today). Me and my friend Stephen are trying to start a music festival called "Grungefest." I think you can guess what type of music this festival is geared toward. We need volunteers, donations, and support to make this a reality. Join our Facebook group. Let us know if you can do anything to help (ex. booking, venue, advertising, etc.)!

Here's our first video. I know I already bitched about the BP oil spill, and usually I let it go after I rant about it, but this was hilarous. It's the BP oil spill re-enacted... by cats.



Their new slogan: "You're not mad enough to not drive your car." Love it.

This next video isn't really a video. It's a song off B.o.B.'s first release called "Airplanes." It features Hayley Williams, and it's awesome.



I just realized that this is the version with Eminem too. The one with just Hayley is about a minute shorter. Both are great.

So I was on USAToday.com, and I saw a story from May 20th about a "mystery rodent" that scurried in front of the podium while President Obama was giving a speech. Why is this news?... Oh my God! A mouse is in the White house! Alert the media! White House authorities have assured the public that the mouse is not suspected of terrorism. Nonetheless, a mousehunt has ensued for questioning.

Well, that's all I've got for you today. So I'll leave you with this (I've been waiting to share this all day).



This is Ashes to Oranges. And you're welcome.

~Christian

Ranting in the Third Person

Lately, I've been logging on to MyLifeisAverage.com. It's a site where people share quirky stories and experiences they've had. Most of the stories on there are freaking hysterical. Like this one, for example:

"Today in math class, we were all doing our homework for review in class. I was playing Pokemon on my DS online, playing someone in the area. I got my ass kicked several times by the same person. My teacher then announces 'Someone in this school sucks at Pokemon'. I have never idolized a teacher more."

"I ordered pizza online from pizza hut. They had a 'Special Instructions' box, so for kicks I put in 'Arrange topping in shape of a dinosaur'. Instead they arranged 'NO' in vegetables. Touche' pizza hut."

That's awesome. But some of the other stories on there are, I believe, people trying to get attention. Allow me to elaborate:

"Today, one of the boys at my school asked me what kind of girl I am. My reply? 'The kind who get's sunburned from being outside blowing bubbles too long.' I have a date this Friday."

Let me start with what the guy in this story did wrong. What kind of question is "What kind of girl are you?" How do you answer that? "Ummm, I'm a white girl?..." Stupid fucking questions get stupid fucking answers, which brings us to the girl. She just wants to feel validated because she's a weirdo.

I hate people that do this kind of shit. They tell you all this bullshit about their life. Sometimes I want to yell "I don't care!" What's worse is when people bitch about their lives all the time. Sure, I complain a lot, but it's not about how much my life sucks. There's this one chick I know, and every time I see her, she's like "I don't have a boyfriend. I'm so depressed and suicidal. Why can't I get a boyfriend?" I want to look her right in the eye and say "Because you're a stupid whiny brat who needs to roll up her sleeves and get the fuck over it. Life ain't easy. And you ain't makin' it any better sitting around crying about this stupid shit all the time." I mean honestly, why would someone assume that because they don't have a boyfriend in high school that they're going to be alone for the rest of their life. It's fucking pathetic! So quit. Get over it... And stop telling me shit I don't care about...

Hello, and welcome to Ashes to Oranges. Haha. That was a long time coming, I think. I really needed to say all that. By the way, if you are one of those kinds of people I mentioned, don't tell me. Cuz I don't care. Just get over it, consider this a test.

Alright, here's a cool video. They took the cantina scene from thge original Star Wars and edited it to advertise the FIFA World Cup.



That's hilarious. "I don't like you either, fool." Oh, Snoop Dogg. Your antics are always funny, in this or anything other galaxy.

In the News

This first story comes to us from Wenatchee, Washington. A guy was arrested two days ago for a disorderly conduct charge. They strip-searched him and found nothing on his person. Later, however, the police found a plastic bag and duct tape in the toilet: signs of contraband havign been smuggled in rectally. Usually, an inmate will have smuggled in a small bag of drugs, or something along those lines. What did this inmate carry in? A cigarette lighter, rolling papers, a baggie of tobacco the size of a golf ball, a smaller baggie of marijuana, a 1-inch smoking pipe, a bottle of tattoo ink and eight tattoo needles. Holy shit. That was all up his ass in a plastic bag. The original article is here.

So, Russia. We knew they were a little... you know. But this is like, solid, undeniable proof. The mayor of a Russian town beat a 69-year-old woman who was too slow to open the door to his office on Tuesday. What the hell? He was arrested and charged with abuse of authority. Why couldn't he open his own damn door? You know what I do when someone doesn't open a door for me? Nothing. I open it myself. End of story. No need to go all Rambo on an old lady... Read the article here.

I'm about to head out, so I'll leave you with this. Enjoy.



~Christian

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

So, the first thing you should notice is the fact that you're hearing music. Probably The Stones, unless shuffle has started working. If you don't hear any music, it's probably because your speakers aren't working. So, I've got some cool stuff lined up (that's a lie, I'm making this up as I go), so let's get started, shall we?

I want to start with this "WTF?" video. It's apparently a Justin Bieber cover (that's what the title says, I have no idea), and it's by this little 7-year-old kid that wants to grow up to be a rapper. This is one of the worst things I've seen in I don't know how long. You've been warned.



... Yea. He sucks. He's a little white kid in a polo shirt pretending to be like, fuckin' Busta Rhymes or something. And he can't carry a tune. Can't hit a pitch... Actually, that sounds like me, only he's higher pitched... By the way, where does the term "shorty" come from? Anybody know? Cuz not all chicks are short. Like Amazons...

This next video... Well, I don't know what this driver was trying to accomplish... Maybe he was on acid? Thought he could fly? I like that the title of the video says he went "all General Lee."



Crazy, right? Maybe he was tired of waiting for his flight and thought he'd just fly himself... I don't know... I wish we could see the aftermath... Oh wait, we can! Isn't the internet wonderful?

This video took me a second to get. It's a Chik-fil-A video about cow tipping.



It's ironic, see? Speaking of Chik-fil-A, do you think there's a Chik-fil-B?...

Rant

Why the hell is it so hard for BP to fix their fucking leak? You'd think they'd have some kind of protocol for it, like a plan B or something... In case of oil spill, break the glass, anything! I heard President Obama say this was the largest oil spill in our history. No shit, Mr. President. That's because you all sat on your asses and did nothing for 40 days. He also said that there was a lot of aid coming to help clean it. Brilliant, wonderful! Where the is this clean-up crew?

... The Ghostbusters? You called the fucking Ghostbusters?... *Sigh* The technology to completely reverse the effects of this oil spill exist, and are available, but nobody wants to fucking pay for it. I heard a couple of guys talking on the radio about that ump that apologized to Galarraga, and they were like "I wish we could get an apology from a BP Exec." Well played, radio man. Well played. Fox News' Megyn Kelly had an interview with someone who said BP is now standing for "Barack's Problem." This is his Katrina. How well has he handled it? Not well, Mr. President. Not well.

Yea, you thought this was gonna be all fun and games, didn't you? Didn't realize we were going to talk politics. But fear not, my rant is over. As a side note, President Obama did not actually call in the Ghostbusters for help. It was for the sake of comedy. Alright, I'm tired. That rant took a lot out of me. So, I'll leave you with this pic.
















~Christian